Friday, October 3, 2014

Embracing the Single - Finding the peace within me.

For the past 11 ish years, I have lived a very public life. I share almost everything and have been a pretty open book - sharing my life which sometimes makes me a fun person to Google. It's fun to look through the countless articles, interviews, videos and blogs that I've shared over time. And, if you are really curious, apparently what I am doing on Pinterest shows up too.

My goal has been to make a difference in the lives of families living with Fragile X, sharing the ups and downs of my life as Parker and Allison's mom. As public as I am, there are many things about me that I keep very quiet.

One of these things... my divorce.  From the separation through today... it's been a subject I've chosen not to discuss publicly and I've been pretty successful.  How do I know I was successful at keeping it quiet?  People still ask me how my husband is. When I tell them we are no longer together they are both embarrassed and shocked. Really for no reason, they didn't know.  We separated quietly on good terms.  We divorced quietly on good terms. We come together for our children and lend each other a hand where needed.  We make good friends. He is happily dating a wonderful woman and it's nice to see them happy, I anticipate them getting married and living happily ever after.  I'm good with that.  I'm the ex wife who doesn't want her ex husband back but does want him to be happy.  I'm the ex wife who will text her ex's girlfriend and invite her (and her girls) to ride in a horse show with my daughter because I know it would make my daughter happy. And if it puts all of us together for a day of fun, even better and what a fantastic example for our children of how adults should get along and respect each other.  I have no reason to be her enemy or wish bad upon them, I have no reason to be anything but supportive. They are a great couple and I enjoy seeing how happy they are together. It's nice to see the smiles and feel the happiness that radiates from them. That's a good thing and should be appreciated, which I do.

My focus wasn't on keeping life a secret but on helping our children through the transition. It should not surprise anyone that they were my focus as they always have been and will always be. I like it that way. They are my everything, nothing and no one will ever be a higher priority. While not everyone agrees with that, it's my choice, my life and what I want.  I don't get to re-do their childhood or our time together. Life is unpredictable and I refuse to go through it with anymore regrets.

After being on my own for awhile -  family and friends were constantly telling me I needed to start dating, I put my foot down and told them all I wasn't ready.  The next weekend, literally the next weekend, I found myself smitten with an acquaintance that I had never really noticed in the past (I tend to have tunnel vision - see the previous paragraph on my kids). It led to a great friendship and dating.  With time, we agreed to part ways while remaining friends.  In our time together, I met and made great new friends and adopted many of his family into my life. I am better for that time we spent together. In the end though, we are better as friends.  It's kind of like a pattern with me. I'm a great friend. There are worse things to be in life and really, it's fitting for where I am at in my life right now.

It's left me in a place filled with deep thought and reflection as to who I am and what I want in life.  I was very clear when dating that there is no part of me that wants to get remarried.  Ever.  I don't know if that's true or not, part of me wants someone to seriously sweep us (yes, us, we are a package deal) off our feet and live happily ever after... I just don't know if I'm ready to be swept yet.

The truth is, right now -  I'm happy being single. I know it's a strange concept to some but it's honestly true for the current time in my life.

I'm not alone. I have my kids with me honestly every single day of the week for at least part if not all of their day. I have awesome friends who look out for me. I have fantastic people in my life I can meet for dinner, have over, spend time with or call in an emergency. People who love me because they honestly know me and won't judge me if I'm running late because I can't get myself to leave my desk, have my hair pulled back in a ponytail for the 8th day in a row or haven't shaved my legs in a month.  They won't mind because they love who I am... unconditionally. They accept my flaws, my over commitments and my heart.  And I love them just as much and equally unconditionally.

I need time just for me, which is almost impossible already with the exception of anytime after 11 pm if I can convince myself to step away from my desk.   I honestly don't have time to date right now or really get to know someone in the way I would prefer which requires them having at least a small bit of my attention.

I work all the time - because I really love my job. I love the people, I love the purpose, I love the potential for what the work we do can be and mean. It's extremely hard for me to step away - although I am getting better at it, especially now that I'm taking classes too. Oh yes, working full time and taking a class while being a single mom who also volunteers on the side and writes... leaves you with about 22 seconds at 2 am of my time before I fall asleep.  Yes, sleep that thing I really don't do much of.

As soon as I was ready to see that I was ok alone, it opened my eyes to the beauty around me. I love re-connecting with old friends who I let slip too far from my life. I love spending more time with family who I don't get to see enough. I love sleeping diagonally across my bed. I'm rather thrilled about not shaving my legs unless I actually want to at the moment too.  I love that I am writing more. I am more focused on everything in my life - home, work, school, family and friends.  And of course, I am taking on new projects.

I have so much I want to accomplish, so much to still do, so much to learn. And so much to heal from. I'm sure there will be a time when I am ready again but right now - I'm happy with my life.  I'm ridiculously broke which I wish was not the case but - I am happy and finding myself in this great big world at the same time. There is a great sense of peace that brings to me.  A peace that was missing from within me and needing to be found.




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