I won't apologize for this.

I’m that person who always apologizes. Like, literally, for everything.

Example: We are in the grocery store and you, a complete stranger, asks me to help you find something (this happens way more than you would think) and I can’t find it, despite looking everywhere and asking an employee to discover that they don’t even carry it… I will apologize to you. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m so sorry I couldn’t find it.” “I’m so sorry they do not have it.”

Example: I’m out for dinner with friends when there is a disagreement between them that I am not a part of but I can feel the tension. I will apologize even though I am not part of the conversation and redirect the conversation. “I’m so sorry, how about we….” “I’m sorry, it’s all good – really – have you …”

Example: We both reach to open the door at the gas station at the same time. Me “I’m sorry (holding door open) you can go in.”

Example: The neighbor complains about the weather. Me, “I’m so sorry.”

Really, it’s a bit ridiculous. When I meet people I should say, “Hi, I’m Holly, I am sorry, I will apologize frequently.”  It is just part of who I am. I have a huge heart and how others feel impacts me, I want this world to be a better place and if validating your situation with an apology helps, I’m fine with that.

I really mean it when I say it. I am sorry when I cannot help someone. I am sorry when people around me do not get along, I am sorry if I possibly stepped in front of someone, I am sorry that my neighbor doesn’t like the weather. I just want people to be happy. I am, to my core, a people pleaser. It’s not always a bad thing but lately, I’ve been noticing just how much I apologize. Then, during a recent conversation when I actually heard my words and it rocked my soul as I discovered there is one thing I will not apologize anymore for.

The other day I was discussing with a friend the topic of volunteering. I am the mom that will send in treats, money for items, whatever you need – I will do my best to be sure you get but the odds of you getting me in person is slim to none. I understand in order for some things to be successful you need people present – I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life fundraising and working with volunteers – I more than almost anyone understands it. But I also understand why some people simply cannot be there in person. Whether it is working long hours, multiple jobs or having small children at home, I understand these reasons. My reason happens to be 19.

It was during this conversation that I said, “I am sorry I cannot be there, I cannot leave Parker.” and just like that, it hit me. Deep in my soul, my words echoed “I’m sorry because of Parker.” Instantly I thought of the many, MANY, times I have apologized for leaving a family function early, or not attended at all and apologized that it was just too much on Parker, we had reached his limit. I thought of the many times I had not volunteered in person because I couldn’t leave Parker and, again, apologized for that. I thought of all of the times I apologized because of Parker and it sucked the wind right from me.

At that moment, everything around me stopped. It hit me just that hard, it was like time stood still long enough for me to absorb my words and the impact of what I had been saying. And in that moment, I swore to myself I would stop.

Here’s the thing, Parker was born with a genetic disability. He lives with having Fragile X Syndrome 24/7. He didn’t get a choice in this (in all fairness, neither did I). This is his life. He does his absolute best (most of the time – I mean, he is 19 with his momma wrapped around his finger) to get through each day. And that is not so easy when you live with sensory processing challenges, hyperarousal, a crap ton of anxiety, and cognitive impairment. Getting through the day takes everything from both of us, it can be exhausting. It can also be awesome, amazing, inspiring and – quite honestly, fun.

Our reality is he needs someone with him 24/7. He needs help with basic life skills. He needs help with all of the things we take for granted. We are pretty much joined at the hip. You want me, you get Parker, and, in many situations, that is not do-able. This is our life and I am so done apologizing for it.

I realized that when I apologize for not being able to do something or leaving early because of Parker, I am saying that I am sorry for him. And I am not. Or saying I am sorry for being a good mom who is doing what is best for her son. And I am not.

Yes, I am sorry he has challenges and wish I could fix every single one of them – but I am not sorry for him or doing what is best for him.

This is who he is and I love, celebrate and appreciate every single thing that makes him Parker. I won’t apologize that I cannot do something or need to leave early because Parker needs me or needs to take a break from what we are doing. I won’t.

There are many important things in this world but nothing more so to me than my children. And who they are makes me incredibly proud every single day, why would I apologize for that?

If you know me, you know that I am a single mom. You know that my son requires a lot of my time. You know that he cannot do everything. You know I carry a lot of guilt for all of that. But to think that I should say “I’m sorry” because I need to be there and do what is best for him… that’s not happening.

I will bake your cupcakes, send in money for snacks, and do what I can while he sleeps so I do not through his routine too out of whack but that is where it ends.  When he lets me know that he has had enough of a family gathering or outing we are on – we will go. We will say our goodbyes, our thank yous and we will leave. But I will not apologize for it.

I am not throwing his world into a tailspin anymore than necessary. And I’m not sorry for that. I am not. This is our life and I’m not apologizing for that. If it cannot be enough for you – that is not on me. That is on your ability to understand (or not) our lives.

I, along with many other who work with Parker on a daily basis, push him daily to do more and exceed expectations. Just because you do not see me push him in a situation that you are a part of does not mean I do not push him. It means I know my son like the back of my hand, I know when to push and I know when I can’t. I know when 2 hours at a family gathering is a victory, not something to push into 3 hours that lead to defeat. I believe on ending on a good note so that doing it again is easier the next time when maybe we can stay 3 hours. I remember when we could barely stay a half hour – we have come a long way.

Yes, there are many things we miss out on but what you may not realize are the amazing things that are part of our lives that you are missing out on. I have a 19-year-old who has a 15-minute bedtime routine just so we get all of our giggles and kisses in before he falls asleep. I have a 19-year-old that has zero issues with holding his mom’s hand in public when he’s overwhelmed. I have a 19-year-old that curls up on my lap when he is super tired or not feeling well. I have a 19-year-old who still thinks his momma hangs the moon. I have a 19-year-old that makes me laugh every day. I have a 19-year-old who truly understands unconditional love and acceptance. I have a 19-year-old who worries about his sister and loves her more than anything. I have a 19-year-old who brings so much light and laughter to my life every single day. I have more than just a 19-year-old. I have a son. I have Parker.

Our life is not yours. Our life is ours. You don’t have to understand it. You are welcome to be thankful it is not yours. But what you don’t get to do is judge me because I put him first.

In our life, we celebrate inchstones just as you do milestones. (shout out to M & P!)

In our life, we do not apologize for who we are.

And now, in our life, we do not apologize for what we cannot do. This is our reality and we embrace that, not apologize for it.

You are always welcome to expect more from me and please, keep asking me to volunteer or to spend time with you - I always will do what I can - sometimes in person, sometimes not but when I cannot do something, especially because I have Parker, I'm not going to feel guilty about it and I definitely won't be apologizing for it anymore.

*Just to clarify – my friend is amazing, she fully understands our lives. She was not being critical of me. It was just a conversation on the topic of volunteering that led to a deep reflection and I very much appreciate that.*