Unbreakable Bonds.

 Sometimes writing helps. Sometimes writing hurts just as much as it heals. This hurts. That is your Kleenex warning.

I’m starting at the beginning. If I start where my heart is we will never make it through this.

30 years ago while my sister, Dawn, was attending Northern Illinois University she called my parents to let them know she bought a horse. A yearling to be exact. While living in DeKalb and going to college, she made the awesome decision to buy a horse that she would need to board, train, and could not ride. To say that everyone in my family had the best discussion of how my “could do no wrong” sister, the oldest of us 3 girls just made the most ridiculous purchase is an understatement. To this day, I treasure how much my parents shook their heads at her for this decision, it was pretty awesome for the younger, frequently making ridiculous decisions version of me, to witness.

That is the story, that I know, of how Cochise a.k.a. “Crazy Horse”, became a part of our family. I’m sure there are details that Dawn remembers that led her to Cochise but they are not as important to me as the memory of everyone saying she lost her mind.

Cochise, who we usually referred to as “Chise” eventually made her way to my parents’ house. She was trained. She went through her squirrely years and finally, matured into the incredible horse that we all fell in love with.

Chise was always gorgeous. Her mane and tail gorgeous combinations of blonde, brown, and black hair that always lightened in the summer like it was soaked in Sun-In (I’m aging myself). When A started riding independently, Chise was the go-to horse. Chise would be the most rotten mare for everyone else but the second A was on Chise, a new horse emerged. Chise loved A and was the best version of herself anytime A was on her back.

As Chise aged arthritis crept in, something A and Chise had in common – bad joints. 

A showing off their bad joints.

A would ride Star more often and Chise enjoyed retirement in the pasture. When we love in our family, we love forever. Animals don’t “age out” at our house, they don’t become useless or without purpose when they are old. They retire and are given their best life for all of the years they gave us so much joy. It’s been a few years since anyone has ridden Chise. Last year when we knew our time was limited, A spent some time on Chise’s back while in the yard. It was fitting for A to be the last person to ride her.

We let A know last year that we were not sure how much time we had left. After A lost their great-grandma Lovadee, followed by their Grandpa Gordon and Grandma Paula last year – my mom made the decision to wait. She felt Cochise was doing well enough and that we could keep her comfortable enough to make it through the winter… then spring… then summer. But, we knew she couldn’t make it past fall of this year.

Once again, we broke the news to A, that this time we were truly out of time. We did not want Chise to ever suffer, and there was no way for her to make it through the winter without suffering. We just couldn’t do that even though we wanted to keep her here forever.

The past 2 weekends, I’ve taken A home to my parents’ house to spend time with Chise. In the nice weather last week, they spent time in the yard, Chise eating green grass while A loved on her and thanked her for all of their years together.

Yesterday, the weather was not great for being in the yard so A and Chise spent hours in the barn together one last time.

It’s hard to say Goodbye. It’s hard to let go. Even when you have a date and time, saying Goodbye never gets easier. We are thankful for knowing, thankful for the ability to have one more goodbye. It’s never enough but we were thankful to have it.

Chise has been a part of our family for almost 30 years. That’s a long time to love anything, a person or an animal. For A’s entire life, Chise has been a part of my parents’ place. They’ve covered hundreds of miles of trails together in multiple states. While this goodbye hurts me, this goodbye has devastated A. Nothing hurts more than seeing your kid hurt.

While A hurts, I’m thankful for the memories and there are thousands of them for these two. I’m thankful for the experiences they shared, for the talks between the two of them, for the sense of peace Chise brought to my baby.

Today, Chise was laid to rest. She took her final breath with my mom by her side. She knew she was loved, we all told her, we all thanked her, we all appreciated the years we had together.

As thankful as I am for the amazing memories A has with Chise, I’m also thankful for being able to remember that insane decision my sister made and enjoy the laugh that brings me… even if it means she knew something then that we couldn’t see but appreciate now.

Go run the pastures of Heaven, Chise. We are glad you no longer hurt, we miss you already, and thank you for the past almost 30 years that you were a part of our family. You’ll be missed and forever loved.