Please tell me...

 Hey.

Can we talk openly and honestly for a minute? I mean, can you? I’ve been open and honest about this before – I’ve never hidden it, I’ll continue to be open and honest about it but I need for you to be. Open and honest with me about this… because I need to know. Like deep in my bones need to know. I’m hoping it will help me, so your honesty here is much appreciated.

I’ve not hidden the fact that I live with anxiety and depression. It’s pretty significant, I’m not sure I’d say “severe” but that’s likely me not wanting to be honest with myself, not you. If I could accept that I’d use that word when I tell you about it. Significant sounds less overwhelming to me so it’s the word I’m choosing to stick with for now.

Sometimes, I feel like my depression doesn’t match what others say depression is. You know, the people who say “I don’t cry. I’m not sad.” But, that’s me. I’m completely fine one moment and the next I’m so overwhelmed with sadness and fear. It’s not often that it happens like that during the day but it’s incredibly common for me to wake up that way.

Things are great in my life. I do believe I am happy. I feel happy. I have an amazing family, a job I love, a dog I adore, cats I tolerate (just kidding, I love them, too), and a best friend who is always there, I have really good people in my life. My life is good. I went to bed happy. But I woke up sad. Like really sad. Like, I’ve been crying for 20 minutes so far sad. And I have no idea why. None.

I will pull it together. Before I take Willow to doggy daycare, before I even step out of my house, I’ll pull it together. No one will know. No one. I don’t have a lot of options there. I pull it together faster when Parker is with me because I have to. He needs me to. On mornings like this when he is not here, it takes me a little longer but I will, before I step out of the house, before my first zoom call of the day, I’ll pull it together enough to appear completely fine. By the end of the day, when I take my exhausted self to bed (because these days are exhausting), I’ll be ok.

I don’t understand why these random days happen. I’m on meds, I take them faithfully. Nothing sad has happened in the past 24 hours. Or 48. Or 96. Or longer.
It's just…. It’s just how I wake up sometimes.

Here is where I need you. I need to know how it feels to live without depression and anxiety. Like, do you always wake up happy? Do you ever wake up sad? Are your emotions just “there” and not overwhelming? What’s it like? Like, really, what’s it like to live without this?

Because, maybe, just maybe, if you are open and honest with me – I can figure out how to do that, too. I know, that’s not how the brain works but my heart needs to know. I need to know how it feels to be ok all the time. To stay happy when you are happy. To not wake up sad. To not have to talk yourself through your anxiety, depression, or panic attacks. I just need to know… what is that like? Because, I’m pretty sure I’m never going to know through experiencing it myself but my heart really wants to know so I hope you will tell me… honestly.

I do want to add that I know how fortunate I am. While I have significant anxiety and depression, I’m still ok. I can be happy. I think I function pretty well. My meds are great and when they are not, I have a great doctor who adjusts things or switches things up. I’m not at risk of unaliving myself. But I know people who are. If that is you, please, I am begging you, please reach out for help. There are resources and people there to help you. I promise we need you here.

Maybe that’s why I like “significant” better than “severe” I know I could be so much more impacted by the anxiety and depression. I can get out of bed. I can get through the day, it may include tears but I can do it. I do know I am happy. I do know that the day will get better. I do know how much I am loved by my tight circle of people. I do wish everyone knew that.

I just need to know, what is it like to live – to really live, without these challenges. I just need to know, how does that feel? It’s ok to share the good and the happy and be honest about what your life is like, and how your brain works. It won’t make me feel worse. I accepted a long time ago this is how my brain works and in accepting it, I’m able to help it. So don’t hesitate to share your good, I love hearing the good. It helps me.

So, I’m counting on you to be open and honest. And, I thank you in advance. Maybe it will help someone in addition to me, too.

Much love,
H

 

PS. if you are in my shoes and want to share, I’m here to support you. And tell you that chocolate usually helps 😊 Feel free to share what helps you, too. Or just your experience so others know they are not alone. I thank you, in advance, too. Your words are just as important!