Letting go

So many of my biggest life lessons have come from my children. This one is no exception.

It has been a wonderful month having A home from University. There are many moments from this trip that will replay in my mind and in my heart indefinitely. And so many reminders of how amazing, independent, and wise beyond their years A is.

It is often hard to know how much Parker feels or understands about what is going on in our family. When A left, no matter how much I tried – I knew that Parker didn’t fully understand how long A would be gone. When it was time for A to come back, that kid was bursting with excitement. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy. It was amazing.

He knows now that when A goes back, it will be for a while. I’m not sure if he realizes it will be even longer than before as I cannot afford to bring A back for spring break and then again at the start of summer break. Bringing A home for Christmas was everyone’s gift from me – not the easiest feat to pull off as a single mom. But, there are already plans in the making for my mom and my sister, Dawn, to go visit A in the spring – so that helps some for me – but I’m not sure it will help Parker.

Additionally, I’m trying to help him understand that not only will it be even long before A comes back – but A won’t be coming back to this house – or living with him again. Tonight is our last night as a family of 3 in the only home they’ve ever known. From now on, big changes will continue to be made that will impact us all, I believe in positive ways but they will be the hardest changes I’ve ever made.

I don’t know how much he understands but I think about it all the time. We talk a lot about his friends moving in this spring and mom moving out. We talk about how awesome it will be to have his friends here and how they will do great things. I just have no way of knowing how much of it he fully understands. He knows I’m moving and where I am moving to. But does he really understand this is forever, especially when my first move is temporary? I really don’t know.

Is he ready because this is the age I believed he would be ready at for this change? I don’t know but I’ll never know if we don’t move forward and find out. I believe he is ready.

I know he is more ready than I will ever be. He will always be more ready than I will ever be.

This is where life lessons from A during this trip home comes in this picture.

At night, I cover Parker up at least 4 times and while times 1 – 3 are super sweet, that 4^th time drives me absolutely insane. A, however, covers Parker up 1 time and then tells him if he uncovers himself again he is on his own. And he’s fine with that.

If he wants his iPad plugged in he will ask me until I give up and plug it in. He will ask A once, A won’t do it, and he will get up and do it himself.

That boy has me wrapped around his finger.

A has him wrapped around theirs.

It was when they walked to the car together the other day, it was when my heart melted and broke all at once.

Parker is terrified of walking on the ice. He has had more than one fall on the ice over the years and insists on holding our hand any time he has to walk on it. As the biggest snowflakes fell the other day, A took Parker’s hand and brought him to the car. 

When they got to the side, A let go leaving Parker to finish his way to the door on his own.

He reached out for A with a bit of panic. I called out for A to rescue him. A took a couple of steps to him, saw he was fine, and turned to walk away forcing him to do this on his own. Something I do not do well at all.

Of course, Parker was fine. Neither he nor I was fully convinced of it until he was buckled in his seat belt but A knew he was fine. A would never leave him to fall. I know this but watching his panic made me want A to go back and hold his hand until he was sitting in the car. That is what I would have done. I would not have let go until he was sitting in the car, buckled in, ready for me to let go.

But A knows that he doesn’t always need A’s hand. That he is capable of so much more on his own than he will admit, or at least let me in on. And because of that, A pushes him harder than I do. I’m thankful for that.

A has reminded me that while my kids will always need me, they won’t always need their hands held. Even when I worry they may fall. They are capable of doing hard things and so am I. I’ll need that reminder a lot over the next few months.

As I watched back on the video of A and Parker walking to the car, this moment stood out to me. I think it holds so many of my fears of what Parker can’t express… and A’s reminder that they are both capable.

 

 I see this and I worry about how Parker views what is happening with A going back to school and with me moving out. Does he see this as us leaving him? As us walking away from him? Will he think that we are leaving him because of our struggles? Will he think that I am or we are walking away because I/we don’t love him?

Or will he see it as it is – that we are letting go because we know he can do this. We’ve checked the path, and we know that he can stand and walk without falling. Will he see that I am letting go so that he can grow, be independent, and shine on his own because he can do that without me by his side? Will he know that I’m doing this because I love him, not because I don’t want to be with him – because I’d stay with him every day forever if I thought it was best for him.

Or will he know, that I’m not looking back because I don’t want him to see my tears, I don’t want him to know how scared I am of every single step we are about to take because even the right steps can be really hard and scary ones.

As I get ready to let A go again, I keep flashing back to when I had to leave the UK without A last October. I knew the first few weeks would be hard. I knew that there was the tiniest of a sliver of chances that A would not be ready or not like being there. But I also knew I had to let go. I had to let A chase this dream and deep in my heart, I knew A was absolutely fine. And A was.

That helps with letting them go back tomorrow. I know A will continue to thrive at Essex. 

Deep in my heart, I know Parker will also thrive in his new setting. I’m never going to be ready. I was never going to be ready to let A go. But, I have to. Ready or not, I have to let A go back tomorrow, and come spring, ready or not, I have to move out and let Parker soar on his own, too.

And we will all 3 be ok. We really will. Even on the days, it doesn’t feel like it. If A has taught us anything, it is that we can do what others think is impossible every single day - and we will.