The beginning of the "lasts"

This would have been perfect for me to post on December 31 as we were ready to welcome in the New Year but… let’s be real. My life is not perfect so why should the timing of this blog be?

I wanted one thing for this Christmas, well two but world peace – unfortunately – didn’t seem realistic. Apparently, neither was the other thing.

I wanted my house to be clean and filled with every Christmas decoration that I owned. I wanted my Christmas comforter and pillows on my bed, the Christmas pillows on the couches, the Christmas shower curtain and towels up, every inch of garland, lights, and absolutely every sign and Christmas figurine/decoration I own out on display.

When A returned home from the UK, I wanted that magical Christmas home that smelled of freshly baked cookies (even though A would never eat them) and to be so clean you were almost afraid to sit on the furniture. Instead, A returned home to the same house of chaos that they left 2 ½ months earlier. A home that is lived in. A home filled with love… and anxiety and constant demands by Parker that I struggle more and more with each day to keep up with on top of all of my other responsibilities.

The tree was up and waiting to be decorated so I allowed myself to see that as a success. In my life, I really need to shoot for those inchstones over milestones, they are much more realistic for me to reach.

This month home with A has been incredibly bittersweet. There are a million and one reasons why letting them go back to the UK on Monday will be even harder than before. And one solid reason why I wanted this Christmas and this month together to be perfect.

This Christmas was our last Christmas together, in this home, as a family. This New Year, the last “New Year” as a family of 3 in this house. Everything we are doing until A leaves is a “last” for us. And that has hit me extremely hard.

No one is sick (thankfully) and yes, A will be back this summer. But, we won’t be here. The home I brought my children home from the hospital to, the only home they’ve known of ours will have a new purpose and new memories to be made. Parker will be here but I will be living elsewhere, as will A.

In the Spring, I’ll be moving out and Parker’s roommates will be moving in. Mid-summer, A will return from school and live with me until they start school again in October. Come spring, our lives will forever change. The changes are good. They are necessary and people keep saying it shows that I’ve done a great job raising my kids that they are both so independent – if I had realized the outcome of being a good parent was that your kids leave you and become happy functional adults on their own – I maybe would not have tried so hard to be a good parent because this doesn’t feel like a victory, it feels like my heart is never going to recover from being this broken.

This was the last Christmas morning the three of us woke up together in “our” home – where we all live. I do realize this is a pretty common thing for most parents. No one warns you about it. You realize your kids will grow up and, hopefully, be able to have independence but no one prepares you for how hard that is. No one.

I was so focused on preparing them to be successful, independent adults while still enjoying every minute, that I didn’t really realize that the next step for them required them to take it without me. Well, I “knew” it wouldn’t include me – that was the goal. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt to know that all of my purpose in life would be moving on and I would be left, lost, trying to find my purpose once again.

To complicate my feelings even more, Parker has realized that when A leaves to go back to University, that it means A is leaving for a long time. He has missed A so much and that has shown ever since A walked through the airport gates to his hugs. His behavior has become more challenging as we lead up to Monday. The first time A left, he didn’t fully grasp that it meant A was going to be gone for as long as they were. This next time, not only is A going to be away longer but when they come back home – A won’t be coming here to live with Parker. Despite our many talks about it, I’m not sure he fully understands that A won’t ever be living with him again.

And his behavior alone speaks volumes to how he feels about that. He can’t express in words how he feels or what he is thinking, it comes out in his behaviors. And right now, any time A (or “Cutie” as Parker calls A) is not home with him – he is struggling and asking when A will be back.

I know we will find our routine again after is is settled back into school but I think when A comes home at the end of June, it will be very confusing – even with Parker and his roommates established by then, for Parker to understand why A isn’t coming to live with him anymore.

It is hard to come to the end of a chapter, or maybe this is more like the end of a really good book where the end leaves you guessing, and you hate not knowing how it actually ended. I guess, the good thing is – I get to keep writing the next series in the book. It will definitely be a book of new beginnings, ongoing challenges, and finding purpose – not just for me but for all 3 of us. Just… on our own, in new independent but overlapping journeys.

As much as I’m not ready to put down this book, I could not be more proud of each page that we’ve written. In this home, 2 amazing kids have been raised. They’ve overcome so many challenges, had many laughs and adventures with friends, and filled it with enough pet fur to create our own fur monster. We’ve had a very good run the 3 of us in our little home. It really is time for this home to have its new purpose, to help Parker continue to grow his independence with the help of friends and caretakers and show the world that he has what it takes to do this.

They will make new memories, new traditions, and fill it with love and laughs. Together they will overcome challenges and celebrate triumphs as they grow older together. This is, after all, what I hoped and wished for – what I’ve worked so hard on for all of these years. For Parker to achieve this level of independence. We’ve almost reached that finish line.

And A… well, I think I’ve always known that A was going to spread those wings far. During our first trip to the UK and Europe, it was so easy to see that A belonged there. The confidence and happiness that radiated out of that kid was like something you see in the movies. And with their first trimester completed, accommodations already confirmed for next school year, and that incredible excitement to return to the UK and University – I know that what we saw wasn’t a fluke or vacation feelings, it was real. A has found the University that will help them change the world, while also finding themself, their independence, and making me the proudest mom on this earth.

Of course, if A said they wanted to come back home and live with me forever, I wouldn’t say no to that either 😉 A won’t but A will help me see this amazing world and rack up those travel miles in this next phase which is going to be pretty amazing.

While Christmas didn’t vomit its decorations all over my house as I had hoped, the last month has been pretty amazing. It’s been extremely emotional and I know the next few weeks will be as well but, truly, in good ways. We’ve been able to see into Parker’s mind a bit to know how very much he loves A. We’ve always known they’ve been close and that they love each other as siblings do – but that connection is far deeper than many may have realized. The house didn’t have to be perfect for our “last” memories to be made here together, it just needed the 3 of us.